Kylie. New York. 18.
This is strictly a personal blog. I don't reblog here, instead I vent, I write, and I don't worry about who reads it because, honestly no one really does. If you happen to stumble upon this, you're of course free to read. However, keep in mind that what I write here is completely unrestrained. I say exactly what I feel, no matter how inappropriate, mean, rude, or spiteful it may be. It's uncensored and does not play by society's rules, and that's the way it was meant to be.
Attend OCC for semester 1
Transfer to ESF for semester 2
Where am I going to live?
Where am I going to work?
I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. Or what I want to do with this year, or my days, or anything really. It scares me.
I want to go to Colorado or at least somewhere out west because I want to get away and try something new. On the other hand starting over terrifies me.
I want to go to Plattsburgh and live with Ashley because she’s great and we’d probably have a lot of fun. But I’m afraid if I live with her I’ll end up hating her or hating myself.
I want to stay in Syracuse because I love it here. It’s comfortable and though many of my friends are graduation and leaving, I’ll still have a solid base of friends who I’ve come to love.
Sophistafunk, lots of wine, cool tequila bottle, shots, drunk.
Wisco, dirty projectors, family acid, giggles with Yax, lady crush, doll house, coloring corner, solitary walk.
Lingerie beruit party. All drunk. I won. Coke off Jesse. Body shots. Fedora. Mike jones. Bowman.
I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. It was such a little thing, so not a big deal. Why did you have to make it such a big deal?
I understand why you got upset. But ruining what we had because of some silly thing I did while drunk is a bit much. A bit dramatic, wouldn’t you say? I’ve felt like complete shit about myself the past few days, because I’m so afraid of how your opinion of me has changed. But having that one thing define me as a person is wrong. You know it wasn’t like me to do that, and you know it meant nothing.
I know I have a problem. I know I care too much what other people think of me. That’s why I cannot surround myself with people that are judgmental. That blow things out of proportion. That get mad over little things. You have to make mistakes and realize that everyone else does too. And that it’s not your mistakes that define you it’s how you deal with them. I need you to tell me that it’s ok. That you forgive me and you can let it go. Or else I may never be able to.
Walk with Wisco and Sierra. Search for sculptures. Party time. 32 of us. Drew names out of hat. Mystery Ian. Falcon Punch. Chandeliers. Meets Ian, pretty cool. Everybody in underwear. Beat Jesse. Made 5 ups in a row. Great team. Won tournament. Mike Jones. Bowman. Coke with Jesse… of his dick. Jones left. Joe broke his collar bone. Unwillingly went to bed with Bowman. Hooked up a little, stopped it, he kept trying. Ended up talking a while. Woke up at 7 with him trying again. Got up and left. Jones thought I was with Jesse that night, which is why he left. Miscommunication to the max.. sorta.
Me Mike Jones Bowman and Katie drove down to Boston to see Goldfish. Alex had told me to be at his house at freaking 5:30am so we could leave at 6 and have the day in the city. I get to his house, call him to come let me in and Chris answers and says that Alex was passed out downstairs of the bean bag chair wasted. I was not a happy camper haha he said he was taking the night easy in preparation for the day! We still left pretty much on time. The drive wasn’t bad, I just talked to Mike the whole time. When we got to Boston I switched and let Bowman drive, there was no way I was driving around Boston. Mike had lived in Boston a few years so he was showing us around.
We got pizza for lunch on the outskirts of the city and then make our way to the hotel and then we headed downtown. There we walked around a bit and met up with Arun Brenda and her sister and her boyfriend who were both really cool. We went to the Bodega, which is this really cool street-style shop that’s hidden in a tiny convenient store. You walk up to the Snapple machine and it’s a actually a sliding door. Really cool. The weather was so beautiful too, bright blue skies. After a few hours of walking around I realize I don’t have my purse, and wasn’t sure if I had brought it with me or not. That really freaked me out. So Mike walked me back to the hotel to see if I had left it there. I was so unbelievably stressed. If I had lost my purse I couldn’t go see Goldfish! And I really thought I lost it. I was about 95% sure I had brought it with me. I didn’t make sense for me to all the sudden realize I didn’t have my purse, after walking around and going to stores for 3 hours. But when we got to the hotel there it was sitting on the chair, I was so relieved. I ran over to the window to praise god/karma and forgot the window opens when you pushed it and almost fell out haha what a story that would be.
Mike and I went back to meet up with everyone, stopping at a few places along the way, a bookstore and Johnny Cupcakes. I’d never gotten to hang out with Mike that much before but he was really cool.
We meet back up and watch these street performers who actually were kinda lame but whatever. We go back to the hotel and take a nap for about an hour and a half. Well I didn’t actually sleep, not really. Ever since I had though I lost my purse I couldn’t shake that feeling of panic even after I had found it. I ended up stressing about my ID and getting into the show because Brenda said it was really strict. I know I had nothing to worry about, I have a really good ID but I just could not stop stressing. And it was weird because while we were in bed Mike rubbed my back for a minute, very unexpected. As soon as we woke we pretty much got dressed took the molly and left. It was very rushed. We discovered that while Mike and I were gone everyone had gotten food, while we didn’t. So we were taking this really strong molly on an empty stomach, which was a little unnerving, especially cause I didn’t intend to roll to hard, I wanted to remember every second of the show!
Anyways we got to the show and got in completely fine and without a problem. Although for a second we thought Katie wasn’t going to get in when the bouncer told me to shut the door for now while looking at her ID but he just said it so the cold air wouldn’t get in.
So we get there a bit early, there was some confusion to when the show started (well I knew, but Bowman didn’t believe me.) So we were just sitting around talking, and the come up was pretty rough. It hit Mike and I super hard and fast, and he wasn’t doing so well. We went outside for a cig and he was sweating profusely. I realized I had forgotten my brand new rave shades and the hotel and since Mike really wasn’t feeling well I offered to walk him back to the hotel so he could get some fresh air and I could get my shades. So we walk back, (it was only a few blocks away) and he starts throwing up pretty much right away. I however was feeling amazing since I was peaking and just spun around on the spinny chair in the hotel room while playing Goldfish on my phone. 20 minutes later Mike was still throwing up so he said to go ahead and go back to the show. He offered to walk me back but I said he should just stay. I somehow managed to find my way back to the show, rolling hard haha. The hardest part was getting out of the actual hotel- that place was like a maze! I was talking to Ashley on the phone at the time too. I make it back just in time for Goldfish and so Me Katie and Bowman go right up to the front- first row! They were so amazing, words just cannot do them justice. I’ve never seen more talented people. And they looked like they were just having so much fun which just makes everything so much better. They played the best songs, and Dominic played the bass (the one that stands up) and David played the cutest mini saxophone and the flute! It was amazing. I was passing around my rave shades the people around me and the crowd was so awesome. It was such a small venue, really just a bar! Towards the end of the show Mike shows up! I was so happy to see him, I had felt so bad that he was missing the show. He saw the last 15 minutes though! The whole show it was just Katie and Bowman and I dancing up front. Brenda and Arun stayed back more. After the show ended we sat around and talked some, and since we were all rolling it was just so awesome and everyone was just so happy. Then we went back to the hotel, talked a bit, then crashed. And since Arun takes such good care of us and gives us a little baggie of vitamins and melatonin to take before bed we all woke up in the morning feeling fresh and avoiding the dreaded after-rolling crash!
SU vs Marquette. Kicked ass. Final four. Slap cup with lot of people. Drunk bat. Arun and Brenda made awesome food. Tops with Bowman and Brenda. Tequila shots. Apple pie. Break from drinking for an hour. Success. Goldfish. Pong with joe. We won. Heart to heart with Wisco. Alex saved some pizza and gave me the last slice. Dylan and Alex passed out, so cute. Random girl, civil war. Went to pass out, no where to sleep. Walked to Jonesies. Sex. Sex. Shower Sex. Sex.
To clear up any confusion goldfish happened before this, I just didn’t make the post till now.
Something terrible happened in my town the other day. I live in Upstate New York. This was outside of Syracuse, some might even venture and call it the country. I don’t know anyone that would call this a dangerous place to be. A man hijacked a woman and her child’s car at the mall, drove them to the country road a minute away, raped the 12 year old girl in the backseat and stabbed the mom.
I don’t understand why these things happen.
I have a problem. I care too much about what people think. I know that. I know i need to fix that. And I have gotten better, really. But it’s still such an inconvenience. It’s so hard for me to feel comfortable these days. I’m always trying to please people, to impress others, to be approved of. It’s irrational. I know it doesn’t make sense. Who cares what people think? I do. I do I do I do and I don’t know why.
Another irrational thought. Maybe if I trip really hard I’ll just snap out of it. I feel like as terrible as that sounds its what I need. I need to just fucking lose my mind. People who’ve lost their mind don’t care what other people think do they? They’ve gone off the deep end. They are no longer a part of society therefor they just stop caring. That’s what I need. I need to just trip balls to further detach from reality and consequently stop caring about what people think.