Kylie. New York. 18.
This is strictly a personal blog. I don't reblog here, instead I vent, I write, and I don't worry about who reads it because, honestly no one really does. If you happen to stumble upon this, you're of course free to read. However, keep in mind that what I write here is completely unrestrained. I say exactly what I feel, no matter how inappropriate, mean, rude, or spiteful it may be. It's uncensored and does not play by society's rules, and that's the way it was meant to be.

Ask

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Rochester MOFO, Naked Apron Party

Who:
Me, Dan Gilroy, Maggie Stepp, Emma (Swank), Pedro, Matt Rhodin, JDolf, Nikola, and Malcom. 
Where:
Abandoned subway statin in Rochester + abandoned warehouse nearby
Katrina and Nikola’s house

The subway was supppah cool, really cool graffiti everywhere, long tunnels, urine covered books. Walked in darkness for a while, came out and climbed a bit. Wandered around until we found an abandoned building. Climbed fire escape, knocked panel through to open door on 3rd story. Got inside, went on roof. Roof shenanigans with tires. Basement, lights on. Played with fire extinguishers. Drank lots of beer- 40s of Old English. Got nice and tipsy. Met back at Dinosaur BBQ. Lost phone. Garbage plates. 

Party dress code:
Apron, and only an apron
Lots of asses. Asses everywhere. Very drunk Maggie. Hugs. Drama with Violet and Maggie and Jim. Lots of fun conversations. More butts. Talked to Chu for a while- said he wants to trip with me! Emma said I was beautiful. Dan’s clearly into Emma, clearly not into me anymore. Disappointed but not too upset. Naked yoga sesh. Nothing too eventful. Salsa dancing. 

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This. This is why I don’t go after guys. I’m not super hurt, but it stings a little when someone clearly choses someone over you. I’m constantly feeling like I’m not good enough, and this just reenforces it. I’m done. 

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Today I had a lovely acid trip with Yax, Nate, Arun and Brenda. Bowman was also there with a friend and Kalia and Carrie tripped as well but weren’t with us most the time. 
We all dosed then came up/started tripping hard in the living room. Bowman and his friend Hunter and Tom kept talking about computers and video games and other boy things and I was sitting there like “that’s nice, but I really just want to think about life and look at my hands.” So after a bit of being slightly uncomfortable in that room I stand up and decide to head out for a walk. The original 4 others came with me which was nice and we headed outside for the next leg of our trip.
Or first destination was the watertowers where there’s a bunch of really rad graffiti. It was a crazy windy day and the water towers are at one of the highest points in Syracuse so it was windy x100 up there, and so we just stood at the top of that hill and looked at the rest of Syracuse and felt the grand power of the wind for a while. Then we ran into a friend of Nate and Arun’s which was completely random. Then we wandered to the Euclid one and a half? I think that’s what it’s called. It’s basically another really high point in syracuse where we sat for a while and thought about things and I remember losing myself for a while on a whole “what are words, what are feelings, what is life” sort of tangent until Yax said it was time to go home and get food and paint. Which is precisely what we did next.
We got back home after a few hours and sat down and ordered pizza (with much giggling and laughing while Arun kept a straight face on the phone.) We got out the painting materials and started with that. While we were paining on the living room floor many people came in and chilled then left then came back and left again. That house was hopping man. But Bowman got to tell his classic Bowman stories and we all laughed because it’s Bowman.. 
And we listened to Onra all day. 
And I wondered a lot of things. 
And I missed Jake.
And it was a really nice trip and day in general. 
One fun thing to do is see how long a person will talk when they’re the only one’s contributing to the conversation. It may surprise you. 

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I think I have a crush on someone who’s engaged and ten years older than me

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I’ve never seen myself as a pretty person, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of attention and I’m finding it strange yet flattering. I’ve also never thought I was very interesting, or smart outside of school. I’m quiet, shy, I hate confrontation. I’ve been able to open up a lot more lately though which is nice. I almost feel as if I met all these new people, and they gave me a role that I’m now filling. I don’t know if it’s me, or if I’m acting or if it’s who I actually am. I am happy though, so that’s all that really matters though I guess.

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Repelling at Cement Factory MOFO

Nate and Gritz. Abandoned cement factory. Snuck in with ropes. Repelled down into giant silos. All with a broken arm. Ascended and left without a problem. 2am. Marshall St. Got onto rooftops. Slid around. Close call with cop. Ran into Cory Landis working at Pita Pit. Random girl fight. Sam Yaro. Found single SM shoe. ERoom to eat. Learned how to tie knots.

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I feel very overwhelmed. West Virginia was so amazing and I met so many incredibly people. Many of them boys. And for some reason some boys tend to fall me for me. And I’m very very terrible at handling that. 
I’m always so unsure of my feelings and also poor at communicating. I’ve never been able to just tell someone I’m not into them, I tend to keep them around as friends and try to avoid anything more. 
This, I’ve learned, is not the best tactic. Especially because I do a lot of things and don’t think much of it, though if I gave it any consideration I would realize it could be taken the wrong way, taken as encouragement. 
Often times I’m not sure myself what I want or how I feel, so I may slip up for curiosity’s sake. This normally steers my feelings clear of him, though at that point things have gotten complicated. 
I was so happy and my life was so simple before this shit started again. 
I just wish Jake was here. He’s the only person I’m sure about. The only person I really want. 

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And now I’m sad. I’m sad because I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

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