Kylie. New York. 18.
This is strictly a personal blog. I don't reblog here, instead I vent, I write, and I don't worry about who reads it because, honestly no one really does. If you happen to stumble upon this, you're of course free to read. However, keep in mind that what I write here is completely unrestrained. I say exactly what I feel, no matter how inappropriate, mean, rude, or spiteful it may be. It's uncensored and does not play by society's rules, and that's the way it was meant to be.
You know how in movies there’s those two people you know are meant to be together but the timings never right, and it takes years and years for them to finally be together? I feel like that’s how things with me and Jake will be, but I don’t want to wait.
I really miss Jake. I wish he was here. I wish he wasn’t such an amazing guy and that I could just forget about him. I feel like I keep meeting guys that I’m sorta into, but I feel like all I want right now is to be a “free spirit” and not get serious with anyone, and I feel like that’s because I’ll always really want Jake more than anyone else. And the fact that he wants it too, that we’re just so far apart right now makes it so that I can’t just move on. The fact that I don’t want to be serious with anyone if it’s not Jake is the main thing I’ve gotten out of this.
I saw GRiZ last night again and man was it amazing! I wasn’t even going to go but Brenda and I decided we couldn’t miss it. But then she couldn’t end up going and no one I really knew was, but I went anyways. We met at Bowman’s place first, then walked over. There was Bowman, Tucker, Danielle, Joe, Sam, Chris, his girlfriend, and a couple other people I didn’t really know, including Alexa who I ended up hanging out with all night- she’s awesome! Anyways we ended up being there for almost the hole show, since the Floozies were opening. They rocked, and even the next band/DJ was good too. I had drinking a brass monkey beforehand but wasn’t too drunk, but Alexa shared some 2ci with me so I ended up rolling a bit, it was perfect! I ended up running into Adam Kroner too, who I hadn’t seen in a while. I guess he and his girlfriend had just broken up. Anyways we danced for a bit and I also danced with Sam some. Who I keep forgetting is as young as he is so that needs to stop. Anyways after the show I guess GRiZ was supposed to come by Bowman’s and maybe he did but I was exhausted and ended up going home after a bit. At bowman’s there was a party going on when we got back, and Tom and I played pong and then hung out with some other people. Oh and I saw Becky and Jess there too which was unexpected.
I have incredibly low self esteem. I’m not comfortable with who I am. I do not think I am pretty, not most of the time. My personality is mellow. I do not stand out. I feel as if all my friends have such distinctive personalities and that I just fade into the crowd. The way I dress, act, all of it just seems so boring. There’s so many people I want to be like. I don’t like how I am now and all i see are ways to improve.
I’m really sad. I’ve been in love with this kid for so long, and it was finally happening. I can’t think of someone more perfect. And for some reason I can’t begin to imagine he thinks the same of me. But as always timing is everything and in this case could not have been worse. Because now he’s gone. Gone to adventure and live it up in Ecuador for a year. And I just wish he was here. And I just want this year to go by so fast even though when it’s over it won’t solve a thing because we still won’t be in the same place. And now I feel like I have to be a better person, someone worth having him. Because I don’t feel like I deserve him now. But I want to.
It’s incredibly sad when people die at festivals. It’s sad that there are people out there that don’t know their limits and aren’t responsible, and it’s sad that people lose their lives because of it. It is so unnecessary to take SIX HITS of molly. Was it worth it? I’m being harsh and yes it’s sad those people died but you can’t tiptoe around the fact that it was their fault. No one made them do it, it wasn’t something other than what they thought they bought. I’m not saying they deserved to die, because I definitely don’t think they do, but taking too many drugs has consequences. Be safe, know your limits, and have fun.
These are all out of order but these things must be documented at some point.
Bisco this year was fun, but not nearly as amazing as Forest was.
Here’s the highlights.
Arrive. Lug 50lb of our shit around entire festival because no one knew where we were supposed to go (volunteering.) set up camp. really drunk girls. cool neighbors.
pouring rain. then sunshine. sit for hours waiting to work. Ash and I give flags to wave on traffic. fun for a while. Added one guy to the crew. still fun. then boring. drank much wine. endless shouting of “happy bisco” lots of neat people. talked to a lot of bisco goers and volunteers. Angry black staff man on hour 15 of his shift. our shift was 3:30pm-6am. got very hectic at times. guy gave us flowers. Girl offered me cigarette. saw adam and his car, said hey. by the time our shift was done we were delirious. went to bed for a bit.
Saw Rubblebucket, front row. Hugged lead singer when she jumped into crowd. Then saw Macklemore. “suck that tittie” Thrift Shop. Then saw Seven Lions. Umphrey’s McGee, and Flux Pavilion. Then we went to STS9 and tried rolling but were just so damn tired from the night before we had no energy to dance so we skipped Dillon Francis and went to bed at like 9:30.
Found out Animal Collective backed out. Chilled for the day and painted. Tried to trip on shrooms, didn’t really work. I made friends with a cricket. Made another new friend who gave us lots of really awesome moonshine and molly. Had a great time at Bassnectar and ended up front row for Disco Biscuits’s best set. Lights were awesome. Danced with this kid who it was his first time rolling and he kept saying how awesome I was. he was young but I totally made his night so I don’t even care, it was fun! The light show was sick too. Anyways then we went to Lotus and that set was amazing too. We ended up going back before they were done, but Lotus plays forever so we didn’t feel to bad. We wanted to be well rested for the last day so we could get a good trip in.
Intent on being spun cookies. took 1 tab, went to see break science. Wasn’t playing, it was biscuits instead. Didn’t feel anything after 1 hour. Took the other tab. Walked to other side of bisco, where we camped year before. Started feeling it. Walked to lake. By this point we’re tripping- hard. We laugh endlessly, sitting by the road by the lake. Until we’re told to move along. We go buy batteries and then head back. On the way back we laugh more and talk and run into our neighbors during their volunteer shift. We’re so spun at this point. We’re just laughing and having a blast. We made their day. Went back to campsite to paint. Took us forever to find the paint because we’re laughing so hard. Finally find it and begin painting. It’s shit haha. Our other nieghbors think it’s funny how much fun we were having. Left to go see Gramatik. Ended up catching the end of Passion Pit which is how we found out the schedule was all messed up. Everyone was moved around because one of the stages was sinking in the mud. We randomly ran into our friend Sarah and her friends. We finally find where Gramatik is playing. Ashley and I go in alone. Awesome set, though a big to dubsteppy for my taste. End up finding Adam. and Ashley’s friends from Plattsburgh. After Gramatik we go back to their tent, then back to our site. That’s where we met our neighbors and went back to the stages and danced o Tommy Trash and Madeon. Got to go through the VIP enterence and behind the stages. Fun time. So damn muddy though.
Nicole had a game night one night that I actually participated in. I drank a bit and talked to Joe Morra a lot. I had went to high school with him and sat next to him at graduation but we’d never really talked other than that. We ended up leaving when everyone else decided to watch a movie because that’s lame and walked to Ackerman. On the way we stopped at the Rose Garden at Thornden. We chilled at Ackerman for a bit and then walked back, going through the park on the way back and taking a dip in the koi pond and then crashed together when we got back. We hung out a bit since then. We went to the Middle Ages Brew Fest one day, got sushi, watched Harry Potter, made Stir Fry, and just talked endlessly. Oh and we hung out with Yax and Nate and got drunk one night. That was the only night we ever hooked up, though we slept in my bed on numerous occasions. This was because he was leaving for school and didn’t want to start anything. Makes sense.
Our neighbors from Bisco came to Syracuse this last weekend because their grandpa lives in Baldwinsville. They were camping at Green Lakes so Ashley Josh and I went up to visit them 2 nights. The first night we got there pretty late (around 11) and so we walked to the lake so we could talk without keeping anyone camping near us awake. We all got fairly drunk and ended up skinny dipping in Round Lake. The water felt amazing. We talked for awhile, walked across a giant fallling log and then climbed on top of the old jail cell looking thing by the lake and chilled up there for a while. On our way back we all tried “tree bending” which is where you find a skinny tree and climb up it until it bends over (without hopefully breaking) and your feet touch the ground. We get back and Meho realizes his phone must have fallen out on the way back. So we all go back and search for it. Mind you this is at 3 or 4 in the morning and I had work at 9. We all realize we’d been walking through a large amount of poisen ivy (though luckily none of us got it) and I finally found the phone. This was a miracle because we had literally been wandering through the woods not even on a path to find good tree bending trees. We all went back and had a giant cuddle puddle in our giant tent. The next night we had a fire and smoked some and went to bed fairly early.
Wisco visited a week ago and we went to get lunch at Strong Hearts. We got it to go and then went across the street and at it while sitting on the fountain with our feet hanging in the water. During our lunch a man comes over and asks us a favor. His son was spinning his necklace around when it flung off and landed somewhere in the fountain. Since we already had our feet wet he was wondering if we could look for it. It was a necklace the boy’s grandma (who had since passed) had given him so was very sentimental. After looking for 5 minutes and losing hope, I finally found it! It was our good deed for the day and was a very “wisco” thing to do.