Kylie. New York. 18.
This is strictly a personal blog. I don't reblog here, instead I vent, I write, and I don't worry about who reads it because, honestly no one really does. If you happen to stumble upon this, you're of course free to read. However, keep in mind that what I write here is completely unrestrained. I say exactly what I feel, no matter how inappropriate, mean, rude, or spiteful it may be. It's uncensored and does not play by society's rules, and that's the way it was meant to be.
I leave for spring break in WV today with about 100 other people through the Outing Club at my school. Everyone says what an amazing time it is and how you just go caving and hiking and climbing all day everyday and stay up all night drinking and singing around the fire. So clearly I’m excited. So why am I so hesitant as well?
I’m not very good in large groups of people I don’t know. I find I can only open up if I’m with a small group. I’m not very loud and I feel like I always just shrink back and observe.
I’m hoping this is one of those things where I’m really nervous beforehand but then it turns out being amazing. Same thing happened with Electric Forest.
I’m just a worrier. But I’m trying to change.
I’m sure it will be incredible and I’ll be a ton of new people and become closer with the ones I do know.
It’s gonna be rad.
I feel sort of silly missing Jake. I mean we really don’t know each other all that well. But I think that’s what makes it so great, that we don’t. Yet we still have this connection, somethings that’s always been there. The little time I’ve spent with him I can just tell. He’s something special. He’s different, he’s safe and I just want to be with him. And if I have to wait years until I can finish school then I will. I’ll wait.
I just skyped with Jake and aw man I miss him so much. And I don’t know if it can ever work out or if we’re ever going to be in the same place. He’s in Ecuador now, then is living out in Oregon or something when he gets back in November. Meanwhile I’m stuck here for a few years. I just miss him so much
I’ve finally found my people. I’m so happy! Joining SUOC was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I officially do not like Chandler or Jess. I’ve never been huge fans but I’ve always found ways to get around or ignore their undesirable qualities. But last night was too much. I felt like I was sitting at the popular table in high school and they were being the mean girls who thought they were better than everyone else there and making it known. I was disgusted. As people went up as their number was called Jess and Chandler would say things like “dirty whore” when they didn’t even know them. They would also say nasty things about how they should have been fired. That’s not ok with me. How can you be that disrespectful? Who are you to judge these people and think you’re better than them. I don’t see how Zach could date someone like that. I know that I can’t hang out with them anymore. As much as I like everyone in that group I just don’t want to surround myself with such negativity.
Something that really should bother me is. I made this really kick ass blanket fort that spans my whole living room and it’s been up for the past week, while my roommate’s been away. I asked her if she wants me to take it down before she gets home, and SHE SAID YES. Like seriously? You don’t even want to see it? I’m not at all upset about having to take it down, it’s been up for a week so I’ve had my time with it. But the fact that she has absolutely no child left in her, no fun wonder and excitement about silly things like blanket forts actually makes me sad. And I mean, this fort is really goddamn cool. I’m 20, and I think having walls made of blankets makes a room look pretty rucking rad. But apparently some of us have lost sight of the importance of sometimes being a kid again. To give in to our childhood fantasies is not being “immature,” it’s simply having fun.
I’ve had some epiphanies lately. I notice myself sort of morphing into the kind of people I hang out with. I try to change myself to fit in. But no one should change who they are at all. There’s a reason I’m hanging out with who I am, so in that way I already share something in common. I don’t need to be a copy of the people I hang out with. I can bring something new. I can be myself and let out all the things that make me different from others.
At Ackerman I shouldn’t have to not be like my outdoor loving and nerdy side. At ESF I don’t have to be all hiker and green I can be my stylish self too. I understand this now. I’m done changing. I will be much happier once I stop gauging what other people want me to be and just do me no matter what,
I miss Jake. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. It blows my mind he ever did and still does want me. I feel like it’s because he doesn’t know me well enough. That’s why I want to be better. I want to be someone that Jake deserves. I want to be someone that I think anyone deserves.
Everything I do I look back and wonder if it was something I would have done differently. I wonder if I’ve embarrassed myself or somehow made someone think less of me. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I feel like a failure. I don’t know how to not care. I feel pathetic. I’m too cautious, I never want to impose, I never want to take a wrong step which results in me not taking a step at all. I’m too plain. I’m not incredibly social. I’m awkward. I’m not witty or clever or stunningly beautiful. I don’t know why people would want to hang out with me. I have nothing to offer. I think too much i my head, and it never translates to what I want to say. This results is me saying something completely wrong, and often making a fool of myself. That is something I’m pretty used to. The worst part? This is all who I am. They’re not things I can change. I can sit here and say I’m going to start being bold and not give a shit but I can’t. It’s not me and I know that. What I need is someone who accepts me for me and like me as I am. And the person who makes me feel amazing and like someone worth knowing is now out of my life. And I want him back. I need such a genuine person back in my life.